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Well it looks like Beyonce and Jay-Z's sweet baby Blue Ivy wins for most blinged-out baby ever. Her proud papa and mama have shelled out a cool $1.5 million in crazy-ass, impractical baby gifts, including a $600,000 golden rocking horse, a $15,000 Swarovski-laden high chair, and a $22,000 crib. Blue Ivy will want for nothing! What else? Mink onesies? Cashmere diapers?
I haven't even gone into the presents their friends bought Blue Ivy -- like the crystal bathtub from Kelly Rowland. You know the couple's older relatives are just sighing and shaking their heads at the sight of these gifts. And you know what Beyonce and Jay-Z are going to say to themselves a couple months from now.
"WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING?!?" It's oh-so exciting to imagine your new fantasy life with baby, every beautiful, silver-spooned moment seen through a Vaseline-smeared glamour lens. But then reality sets in, and that gorgeous French romper from Aunt Jonie is ruined with the first exploding diaper you didn't see coming. Which is fine, since baby fit in it for all of one day before she outgrew it. Once Beyonce and Jay-Z get a load of what's what in babyland, I think they're going to come back down to earth.
Can't you just hear the whining over that sold-gold rocking horse? "Mama, I want to ride the golden pony!" "No, baby, it's too soft. You'll scratch it all up." "BUT MAMMA! I WANT TOOOOOO!" "Damn, Jay-Z, why'd you have to buy her that thing? She's all over me about it all the time! We have to put it in storage now. Or melt it down." "NO MAMA DON'T MELT THE PONY!!!"
So that's going to go over well -- just like with the Swarovski crystal highchair. As in that thing babies sit in while they pour cream of wheat over their heads. It's all sparkly and special now, but you know they're going to have to hire someone whose exclusive job is to do nothing but maintain that thing -- wipe up all the butternut squash the moment it falls, polish off all the smears and smudges. And what will they do about all the scratches? I know where this is headed: They'll have a custom-made plastic cover for the thing.
But hey, let them have their fun. They'll find out soon enough. Babies are why plastic was invented -- and by plastic I don't mean a gold card.
Did you receive impossibly fancy and impractical gifts when you had your first baby?
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